Fate finds a way

A harsh clang echoed through Halls of Oblivion, and the clerk at the head of the line grumbled, "Next!" as he stamped a stack of papers and sent the soul in front of me on its way towards a door marked "Unfinished business".

I nervously made my way up to the onyx counter and handed over the form containing my life's accomplishments.

Life path: Chosen one

Lifetime: 1034-1053

Cause of death: exsanguination via sword wound, by Dark Lord Sven Yengris III

Holy weapon: Mandoline

The form went on for quite a few pages, but that was the important part. I had to be the butt of Fate's worst joke. A mandoline as my holy weapon, with a life quest to prevent the end of the world by defeating a dark lord.

How in the world is a mandoline, a kitchen implement used to slice vegetables, supposed to help me defeat a dark lord? Obviously, I used it to prepare meals while we traveled, but what then? It's not heavy enough to brain him, and he'd have to be practically dead already for the blade set into its surface to do any appreciable damage.

The clerk glanced over my form quickly, then pulled a tome out from the shelves behind him.

"Hmmmmm..... Mandoline? You sure about that?"

I raised my eyebrow. "Yes, it was granted to me by Tothis, the high priest for Genrin the God of light"

The clerk pursed his lips, his finger making its way down the lines of text.

"Maneater... mangler.... manmasher.... mandoline!"

He stared at the page for a few moments, then cleared his throat.

"I'm.. I'm afraid there's been a bit of a mixup. The mandoline was destined to make its way into the hands of a holy master chef, who would use it to inspire troops in the final battle against Dark Lorde Sven Yengris III. You were supposed to receive a blessed mandolin which would freeze him with notes of unearthly resonance and open him up to a final blow!"

I leaned over the book he'd placed on the counter and read where his finger was pointing:

Holy Mandolin of resonance: last checked out by ~. The rest of the line was smudged and illegible.

"So, what now? Do I get a do-over?"

"Hm, let's see..."

The clerk went back to the shelves and found a book labelled "Dark Lord Sven Yengris III". He flipped to the very last page, then snorted as he finished reading..

"I don't think that will be necessary. Sven appropriated your mandoline and made a regular habit of preparing his meals with it. In 1054, a blade broke and embedded itself into a slice of zucchini, which he ate and died shortly after from a lacerated small intestine."

The clerk grabbed his stamp and a clang echoed through the hall as he aggressively marked my form and pointed me towards the door labeled "Blessed".