Diplomatic cosplay

The universe, it turns out, is a harsh place. Sentient species are much more common than we thought. The dark forest theory? Didn't really hold up. We were just looking in the wrong places. Once we discovered graviton communications, it became clear that were were simply communicating on a band that everyone else considered too primitive to pay any notice.

Humans joined the international community at a bad time. Spinward, the Golaths had just finished strip-mining every world we might consider desirable, and in the other direction, the Elions were hungrily searching for new biological forms to subjugate with their spore-based mind control. Territory was extremely sparse, and every intelligent being was in a race to acquire as much territory as they could. A race that we joined with a significant handicap.

Heavily out-numbered, out-evolved, and certainly out-technologied, we were resigned to humanity's demise in the next couple years.

We were utterly flummoxed when the Golaths landed in front of the headquarters for Marvel Studios offering an unconditional surrender of the nearest three garden worlds. And even more when the Elions abandoned every conquered world in our viscinity.

After some discussion with the Golaths, generally beginning with a request to meet Thanos and pay their respects and ending with a declaration from the humans that he was too busy and offered anyhow, it became clear that none of the alien species had any concept of art. Or lies. Or subterfuge. They believed what they saw with their own two eyes. Furthermore, they had no ability to. Subterfuge appeared to a uniquily Earth-based trait. On other worlds, evolution of intelligence had completely skipped this ability, favoring brute force and calculation over manipulation of information.

When they saw Thanos snapping his fingers, and they cowered at the threat of annihilation. When they saw Scarlet Witch manipulate reality in ways they did not understand, they simply accepted that we were so hopelessly beyond them that any thought of resistance was immediately discarded as futile.

Negotiations between nations quickly resulted in Los Angeles being nominated as the new power center for a United Earth, with Hollywood repurposed to become a global powerhouse as a newly renamed Earth Bureau of Propaganda. Politicians love their 3 letter acronyms.

And so, the new Human Empire flourished. Neighboring civilizations shuddered as we built hollow Death Stars from cardboard and Borg Cubes from aluminum foil, placing them in orbit around our planets.

Soon, we had acquired more than enough technology to stand on our own. Resources from the surrended worlds and technologies from our allies made us a threat in more than just image.

We never quite got tired of watching 12 foot tall Golaths squeak in fear during the frequent cosplay festivals and celebrations which we held whenever their diplomats visited to discuss mining rights on the border between our territories.